Spiders are the New Bacon

Spiders have become the new Bacon.

A few years ago, the internets discovered something that a select few of us have known for years: Bacon is Awesome. I've always known Bacon is Awesome, so this wasn't news to me. I've even been witness to a Bacon Conversion. Back in the my college days of the 90s, I was at a late night greasy spoon diner with a couple of vegetarian friends who happened to be Jewish (Orthodoxy Level: Unknown). One of the other people in our group had ordered breakfast, and decided that he couldn't finish his Bacon. The Veggie-Tribers, in a rather interesting move of social responsibility, chose to finish the Bacon, because the only thing worse than killing a piggy for food is to kill the piggy and NOT eat the food, thus wasting its sacrifice. I was inclined to accept their justification, and not give them any flak for the semi-common hypocrisy that we see from our Veggie friends.

And then they demanded three more orders of Bacon and promptly wolfed it down. In one fell swoop, the Compelling Power of Bacon caused them to simultaneously renounce their religious beliefs and choose to engage in the barbaric practice of carnivorism. I witnessed this conversion first hand, so you don't need to spout the praises of Bacon to me.

The past few years has seen a veritable and commendable Bacon Explosion. Not only has it become universally accepted that it's the world's most perfect food, but clever researchers have begun experimenting with the idea of combining Bacon with other consumables to create smorgasbord of delicious goodness. Bacon chocolate, Bacon gum, Bacon breath mints, even Bacon beer. (Yes, that last one does indeed exist). And Bacon has become something of an internet meme, synonymous with awesomeness in food achievement. You can't travel more than one or two pages without finding somebody on a soapbox talking about how wonderful it is. You can all relax. We know. 

I'm starting to see the same thing with Spiders. 

Not so much that Spiders are awesome, or that they go great with any meal. Chocolate-covered Spiders? No thanks? Spider beer? Probably not. (But I would like to try Spider Fried Rice, someday). Rather, the world seems to be embracing the idea that Spiders are APOCALYPTIC. If bees dying en masse is a sign of the end of the world, then many people believe that the world shall be destroyed by rampaging mobs of Spiders who will crawl in your mouth when you sleep, lay eggs in your hair, and drain your IRA accounts. But their presence on the internets is skyrocketing. 

On the local level, I know a guy who couldn't stand near a computer if a picture of a spider was on it. I have another friend who has willingly SCUBA-dived with sharks and manta rays, leapt out of a perfectly good airplane, but loses all motor function when faced with a spider in his bathroom. Another friend recently started a Facebook panic by posting this picture on his wall:

A Spider in its natural habitat: A Velour Couch

The ensuing commentary of creeped-outedness spread far and wide, despite the fact that this Spider is likely no bigger than one's thumbnail. Yes, it looks HUGE, but that's totally a misperception caused by the angle of the camera. That's not Spiderzilla, people. It's just a little 8-legged dude searching for a tasty buggy snack. 

And the Arachnaparanoia is working its way beyond my odd little social group. Cracked posted an article touting the danger of Spiders. Scientists have discovered a species of Spider that could totally have been an extra in Gladiator. And, most recently, Mazda recalled over 50,000 cars due to a Yellow Sac Spider infestation. (Heh. Sac.)

This is how racism and bigotry starts.

I'll admit, I'm a Spider fan. I grew up fascinated by those little buggers. I had a pet tarantula. Even before acquiring my first Spiderman comic book, as a wee lad I could tell you all sorts of silly Spider facts. For example:

- Unlike insects, Spiders only have 2 body parts (the cephalathorax and the abdomen). 

- While most Spiders have 8 eyes, some only have 6.

- In addition to their 8 legs, most Spiders also have 2 shorter arms called pedipalp.

- Spiders are nature's Vampire: they won't eat dead flesh. Their first bite paralyzes their prey, which they'll wrap up and save for dinnertime. When it's time to eat, they'll inject another does of venom into their food, liquifying the insides, which they'll gleefully slurp out like a little cricket milkshake. (Can Spiderman do THAT?)

Yes, I just recited all that from memory. Didn't even have to fact-check on wikipedia.

Spiders like to take their ladySpider friends around town in Little Dune Buggies.

I get the fact that y'all are gonna look down on me for being the guy who captures Spiders with a glass and piece of paper in order to send them outside. Most people would just squish them while dancing up and down yelling "eww eww eww!" But I have to honor the agreement I have with SPiders: I won't squish you, so long as you don't crawl on me. If you crawl on me, you're gonna get squished. And subsequently, you won't bite me unless I poke my finger in your face. If I do that, then I deserve to get bit. It's a decent arrangement that has worked out well so far. Don't worry. I'm smart enough not to do like THIS guy.

Those rules also don't apply to the Black Widow (bitch), the Brown Recluse (fiddly f@#$er), or the lesser known MOST DANGEROUS SPIDER IN THE WORLD: The Brazilian Wandering Spider (known for being highly aggressive and hitching rides in bunches of bananas). Those Spiders are jerks, and deserve to be jumped up and down on. 

*Careful, though. Being the badasses they are, these mean Spiders are resilient. We once emptied a can of Raid on a Black Widow. After about 10 minutes of trying to shake the excess liquid off her fat ass, she flipped us off and headed North. I think she's in Sequim these days.

But aside from those Asshole Spiders, I think it necessary to point out why y'all need to relax and understand all the good that Spiders do for us.

- The Internets: Right now, you're on the World Wide Web. We've named the most marvelous technological achievement of the past few decades after a Spider's HOUSE.  It's not the World Wide Hive. Or the World Wide Beaver Dam. (Imagine trying to do a search from wwbd.google.com. You'd lose precious pico-seconds when trying to stalk your ex). 

This is a really shitty visual metaphor for the internets.

- Spiderman: Look, Batman can't do whatever a bat can. Superman can't do whatever the hell a super can do. Yes, Superman is more popular, and yes, Batman is the goddamn Batman, but neither of them inspired a Broadway flop. 

- Fantasy Movies: All the good/successful fantasy movies have Spiders in them. Harry Potter? Spiders. Lord of the Rings? Giant Spider. Krull? Giant Spider. Aragon? No Spiders. In the Name of the King? No Spiders. The Ewok Movie? Giant Spiders. (Crap. That last one may not help my case). 

This dude totally made Qui Gon Jinn's and Hagrid's careers.

So rather than participate in this hatred and fear of Spiders, I say do unto them as you would do unto Bacon. Embrace them (figuratively, not literally). Admire them. And join my cause in petitioning for what would be the greatest iOS video game mod ever: ANGRY SPIDERS!

Just imagine mapping in pictures of your enemies and flinging Spiders at them!

Seriously, how awesome would Angry Spiders be? Join the cause. Make it happen.

And stop squishing those wonderful little 8-legged magnificent bastards!