Super Powers

I was recently asked what one superpower I would pick if I had the choice. It's a not uncommon theoretical question, and I'm sure I probably decided on one when asked years ago, but I can't remember it now. (So, clearly it wasn't the ability of total recall. Or maybe it was. Eh.)

After a bit of musing, I decided upon flight. Not so much for the ability to soar amongst the clouds and get from one place to another quickly, but rather as a counter to a somewhat debilitating fear of heights. See, if I could fly, being REALLY HIGH UP wouldn't paralyze me with fear. Because hey! I can fly! 

It was immediately pointed that even if I could fly, my fear wouldn't necessarily go away. But I'll stand by my choice, because if I could fly, AND I was still afraid of heights, that'd be hilarious. The world would be graced by me flitting about overhead, emitting bloodcurdling screams. And every time I needed to fly somewhere, before take off I'd have to schedule in at least twenty minutes for crouching on the ground, hugging the gracious earth, crying "I don't wanna" over and over again. 

And the one thing that nobody ever thinks about with the flight superpower: speed. How fast will I be able to fly? Can I break the Mach barrier? Will I be limited to the speed of a one-engine Cessna? Or maybe the modest top speed of my trusty Honda? I mean, if we ignore all the aerodynamic issues about speed and lift, the logical conclusion would be that I could only achieve the same speed I can achieve on the ground. But even then, how would I propel myself? Without something solid to deal with the whole inverse-energy thing, could I even move at all? We're not even talking the ability to hover, here. Hover implies a certain amount of control. Without something to appease the gods of physics, I'm thinking the best I could do is float. 

So, great. My chosen ability to fly has demoted me to being the Human Blimp. I'll have to buy a really REALLY baggy outfit, get a corporate tire sponsorship, and be at the mercy of the wind. That's totally gonna help me in my quest to foil crime. (Somebody tell me - why didn't I choose invisibility?) 

At least I'll get a decent view of sporting events. 

The funny thing is, we all already have our own low-level superpowers, developed through the repetition of minute tasks in daily life. Typically speaking, these are quite useless. Some were consciously acquired. Some came quite by accident. And, no, I'm not talking genetic anomalies, like being able to roll your tongue. I have creepy arm tendons, but that's not from practice. 

I don't know what's creepier: the tendon thing, or the bulbous size of my hand. 

So, without further ado, I present some examples of worthless superpowers I've developed, and maybe you have, too! Follow along for fun!

Vulcan Greeting (and Inverted Vulcan): When in grade school back in the day, being able to do this was something of a nifty trick. Many an hour was wasted amongst my childhood cohorts and I holding our ring and pinky fingers together, trying to develop the muscle and tendon control to greet each other in a spacey way. The inverse (fat W) is also tricky. These days, twisting and holding your fingers like this in class would probably get you expelled for making gang signs. (Interesting query - do young up and coming gang bangers have to go through this with their fingers. Kinda silly picturing them twisting their fingers around in frustration before going out and putting a cap in somebody's ass). 

And don't poo-poo this one as a stupid easy trick. For the untrained, it's not as easy as it looks. They even made fun of that fact in the Star Trek movie with the guy who didn't eat a pig because it could say "Baah Ram Ewe!"

The Raised Eyebrow: Another one from Spock (dammit, Nimoy! How did you inject your mannerisms so thoroughly into our childhood?) that required a fair bit of manual muscle training. Hours were spent in front of the mirror, holding one eyebrow up, developing and training the forehead muscles for minute control over one's eyebrows. The happy result - the ability to exude indignation or confusion with nar' a word spoken! (See also - Hugh Jackman as Wolverine).

I call this the Eye Paddy Touch.
Steve Jobs is sooo gonna sue me.

Eyeball Touching: This one is really only good for ick factor. But it is rad. Anybody who wears or has worn contacts is perfectly capable of reaching up and touching their own eyeball. Hell, some of us can even push and squish it around, making everyone in the room go "eeewww!" Disclaimer - to be fair, you really SHOULDN'T do this, even if you can. There's all sorts of gross stuff on your fingers which would LOVE to settle in and incubate in your eye. And the gods help you if you have jackass friends who find it funny to 'accidentally' bump your arm while touching your own eye. Jerks.

Crossing One Eye: Utterly useless; but really damn cool, no?

The Girlfriend's fantasy, or mine?

Touching Hot Things: All right, this isn't mine. But I'm aware of it because my girlfriend has it, and she uses it all the time in front of me. After years of working for a coffee shop, she's effectively deadened all the nerves in her hands, allowing her to reach into BOILING HOT WATER. It's like I have my very own Pris from Blade Runner, but without the acrobatics and burning desire to murder me in my sleep (so far as I know). 

It does suck when we're tag teaming the dishes, though. I like to wash dishes at the 'kill microbe' temperature. She prefers 'scald all the flesh off of one's hands' temperature. It's all right, though: You all know the old trick about breaking dishes to avoid having to wash them? Try washing dishes as the flesh sluffs off your hands: you'll totally get a pass. 

Dishwashing is my Gom Jabbar.
It separates me from the animals.

So there's what I've got. Now it's YOUR turn! Ponder your own personal low level superpowers, and amaze me.