Bench Warrant

Ah, the Morning Commute. Where I gleefully sip on my Jamba Smoothie while bouncing back and forth between NPR and AM talk radio. (It's a great way to start one's day in an emotionally balanced state of mind - seriously, I don't know whether to make out with a rainbow or militantly deport illegal immigrants). And while coaxing my 4 cylinder raging best of horsepower through the crawly stop and go of LA traffic, I'm frequently vexed by a recurring question: what on Earth would I do if I got a Traffic Citation? Or a DUI? Or had a Personal Injury? 

Then I discovered this guy:

I blocked out his last name because I can't pronounce it

Clearly this man is a professional. How can I tell? Because he's USING A TELEPHONE! An OLD-SCHOOL TELEPHONE THAT CONNECTS WITH A CORD! My God this guy is good. And look at him - he's not even TALKING on the phone. He's just sitting there, listening. Which means if I call him with my woes of illegal driving activity or some sort of personal injury, I know he'll listen, he'll REALLY LISTEN to what I have to say. And look at the size of that watch!

This ad is rad. (Hey, I'm a poet and didn't realize it!) 

We know he has a phone number, because he has a phone. But he's taken it a step further with a TOLL FREE phone number! So very useful, as I have one of those rare calling plans where my cell phone charges me for long distance calls (-not true). And he doesn't want me to waste my time in court, because he knows my time is better spent out in the world, getting DUIs, Traffic Citations, and accruing Personal Injuries. 

In fact, I think it should be my goal to get all three at the same time. 

My only complaint about this Commander General Prince's (seriously, look up 'Amir' on the internets; this guy is such a Boss that his very name is BOSS) ad is the placement. Bus benches are very prominent, but what happens if there's some creepy bum type or internet meme sitting on the bench, blocking his vital contact info?

If this sandwich makes me sick, where will I find a lawyer to help me sue?

Karmic Disclaimer - For this bit of mockery, I freely accept that in the near future, I'll lose my cell phone, have a Personal Injury and/or Traffic Citation, and Keanu will steal my girlfriend.