Astrology got it Wrong. Again.

With all the chaos going on about how everyone's astrological sign is now wrong, I decided to do a bit of scientific research to see what all the hulabaloo was about. Turns out, even the NEW starsign breakdown is wrong. My research shows a little something different. READ ON...!

PANTHERAS: January 20 - February 16
You're a very gregarious and outgoing person. You enjoy your friends, and share with them often. You enjoy exercise, and take great care to maintain your personal appearance. Despite being physically fit, you're not suited to team sports or conventional athletic activities. You'll fit better on the cheerleading squad than the football team. Practicing loud protracted compliments will serve you well. Retro in style, you're more comfortable in an ascot than a suit.

CUCKOUS: February 16 - March 11

While known as an enjoyable loose cannon and life of the party due to your wacky antics, be careful with certain substances. Becoming accustomed or addicted to things could lead to emotional explosions or prolonged depressive episodes. Surround yourself with support, not enablers.

FORTUNAE: March 11 - April 18

Of all the sings on this list, you're the most likely to believe in astrology. You're a very superstitious type who puts a great deal of importance into traditional icons like the stars, the moon, clovers, horseshoes, and rainbows. A colorful personality, you don't like bland hues. Naturally suspicious of others, you live in constant fear of others stealing your worldly goods. But remember, it's not paranoia if they're really after you!

LEPUS: April 18 - May 13

Even though you possess an energetic and silly personality, beware of the trappings of entitlement. You're at risk of believing the world owes you something, and could easily fall into a life of crime and petty larceny. Remember, earning for oneself is better than taking that which belongs to others! Your naive and occasionally immature attitude makes you long for youthful pursuits, things generally recognized as being for kids. 

APISIA: May 13 - June 21

You know what you like, almost as if you were born to it. A natural temptress, you entice others to join your passions, because, after all, obsession loves company. A natural poet, your speech will be littered with alliteration and rhyme.

SOL: June 21 - July 20

Your life will be an exercise in duality. Not in the contradictory sense, but in that you'll have an obsession with having two of everything. Two kids. Two cars. Two houses. (If you want two spouses, perhaps consider a move to Utah?) Friends and family will enjoy your generosity when giving everything twice, but it will cause them to wonder why ONE isn't enough. 

SCHNOZ: July 21 - August 10

Possessing strong intuition and an almost preternatural olfactory sense, you're a champion at leading others to what they seek. Career success will be found in either an investigatory profession, or perhaps a jungle guide. Beware of self-esteem issues, however, as your large nasal organ could cause some body image issues. 

CAPO: August 10 - September 16

A born seafarer, you'll find success in either a military or civilian water-based career. While many of your friends and acquaintances view you as adequate most of the time, you will have moments when they positively adore you. Despite your many friends on the land, the sea is your first mistress. Beware staying out of contact for extended periods of time, or your landlubber friends may begin to worry, and possibly overreact in their search efforts. And watch out for other seafarers looking to kidnap you.

HYLIDAE: March 11 - April 18

You are a very cool customer. Things tend to go your way, so you don't stress in the face of obstacles. After all, obstacles are easy to avoid or hop over, and keeping a smooth demeanor makes you all the more attractive for it. Expect quite a few kisses in your life.

MONSTARO: September 16 - October 30

Those born under this sign will feel shunned by the world, mostly due to some perceived physical deformity (be in abnormal orthodontia, an excess of body hair, a certain ethereal quality, or the feeling that one's body doesn't fit together properly). But there's hope - a sparkling personality can win others over. If you get too wrapped up in yourself, no one will remember you.

TRES SONAS: October 30 - November 29

You're a frenetic person, always in motion. Some may confuse this as a multiple personality issue, be sure to have regular psychological updates to make sure their fears are unfounded. You love the hustle and bustle of life, and are generally uncomfortable around silence. If overwhelmed by quiet, expect to make your own comforting noise, be it tapping your fingers, stomping your feet, or pinching the bubbles in bubblewrap.

ROCKFRUIT: November 29 - Jan. 20

Not only is your personality derivative, but you'll sell out at first opportunity. Even though you have a jealous and possessive personality, sharing with one's best friend is a good thing.