Companies want to know how they're doing. I know this, because they keep sending me stuff in the mail screaming "How are we doing?" The most recent was from a bank, wanting to know how they did with a red flag warning on my account activity. I won't name the bank, as I'm thoroughly entrenched in "Established Adulthood #3" (see below), but I will state that I was less than satisfied. Not with the service or the pleasant customer service rep I spoke with, per se, but with the policy that prevented me from using the Internets' technology from watching a football game. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth that day. But enough of my petty griping. Onto the Stages!
Infancy/Childhood - IGNORANCE: Blissfully unaware. Still working out important details like awareness of sound and light, how to work fingers, toes, etc. Critique of the world around you limited to screaming in agony or giggling with glee.
Adolescence - NON PERSONA GRATA: Nobody listens, anyway, so why bother? Critiquing skills still limited, although beginning to show levels of sophistication. EG: "Taco Bell sucks" or "Taco Bell rules." (No bubble to fill out for Sucks/Rules on Taco Bell's survey, so the paper is subsequently graffitied with pictures of penises and perjoratives questioning the sexual orientation of one's friends).
Collegiate/Early Adulthood - APATHY: Unless I get free booze, I ain't fillin out your stupid survey.
Post Collegiate/Adulthood - INCLUSION: Initial thrill of believing that your opinion is actually taken into consideration. Will take time to give thoughtful responses, weighing each category, and thus contributing to the larger society around you. "I'm a SOMEBODY!"
Established Adulthood #1 - CONFUSION: What the hell is the difference between SATISFIED and VERY SATISFIED? When was the last time you said to yourself "I was VERY SATISFIED" about something? And what if I heard about your product on the radio, but then researched it on the Internets? Do I click RADIO AD or INTERNET? And why can't I click more than one option? How the hell do you expect me to be VERY LIKELY to RECOMMEND THIS PRODUCT TO A FRIEND if I can't even understand your goddam survey???
Established Adulthood #2 - DESPAIR: Everything is flawed anyway. Everybody knows it. Taking the time to fill this thing out isn't going to make anything better. It's all an elaborate ruse to make us think they actually care about us.
Established Adulthood #3 - PARANOIA: If you give these guys a bad review, they'll use it against you. If you mark "VERY DISSATISFIED" on any of the categories, your bank will raise your fees and lose deposits, your cell phone coverage will shrink, and they'll send somebody to "accidentally" repossess your riding lawnmower in the night. Cover your ass by marking "VERY SATISFIED" for every category. It's the only way to be sure.
Having been through all of these stages of life and reaction to Customer Service Surveys , I eagerly anticipate my future:
Middle Age - MILITANT: Customer service surveys are disposed of in lieu of sending an angry letter to the company, the editor of the local newspaper, the Better Business Bureau, and your friend's kid who works in a vaguely related field.
Old Age - RETROSPECTIVE EXHAUSTION: Surveys generally cause the bittersweet recollection "I remember it was much better back when…." On rare occasions that you do actually fill them out, the tiring process will merit a well-earned nap.
Elderly Convalescence - IGNORANCE: Back to blissful unawareness. Prime concerns include wondering where you put your teeth and why your pants are wet. When's that cute nurse coming by with the pudding?
In order to better serve the readers, please tell us about your experience reading this article. Were you:
a) Very Satisfied
b) Somewhat Satisfied
c) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied
d) Somewhat Dissatisfied
e) Very Dissatisfied
f) Disappointed that it ended with such a cheap attempt at a gag
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